Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Turnstyle Tirade

Subway Shit I Hate:

1. Those IDIOTS that RUN between the S Train and 1/2/3/9 lines in the Times Square Station. Yes, I know you are trying to get to your commuter train in Penn Station or Grand Central. No, I don't give a fuck that the last train to Mamaroneck or Massapequa leaves at 6:15. MY train comes every 2 minutes, HAH! I've considered carrying an uncapped magic marker in each hand, THAT'LL learn 'em to push me aside.

2. Being tortured by that traveling 'family' of 'singers' on the S Train shuttle. They ride back forth under 42nd Street all afternoon. 'Dad' pitches their tragic, homeless, hungry plight to a car full of executrons desperately trying to pretend they can't hear or see. Then the 3 'kids' launch into a tambourine-assisted version of 'Help!' by The Beatles. (Back closer to 9/11 they would perform various patriotic numbers, 'This Land Is Your Land' being a frequent victim.)

3. Those 3 black Jehovah's Witness women who thrust their copies of Watchtower at me, EVERY freekin time I come down the stairs under my office building. The first 200 times, I probably muttered 'No, thank you', or something vaguely polite but dismissive. Now, if I can't evade being within arm's length in the passing crowd, I just say 'Saaaatan!' in an evil, low voice.

4. People who are so desperate to get to where they are going, they walk forward thru the moving train, exiting and entering the cars and forcing the passengers to move for them as they gain a tiny bit of distance. How much fucking difference can it make? My new plan: stand my ground.

5. Fare thieves who offer to swipe their unlimited use card for you for only a dollar, while you are buying a card at the fare machine. (Regular fare is $2). After saying 'NO!' and 'NOT INTERESTED!' a few dozen times, now I just say 'Call the police! This guy wants me to steal from the city!'. I wonder if this is going to get me stabbed one day.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

The Name Game

We were discussing a condundrum of fag nomenclature at the Eagle last week. It so happens that we have (had) two Todds in our loose circle of friends. One is white, one is black. Logically, they became White Todd and Black Todd. Luckily, Black Todd is not only unoffended, he thinks it's hilarious to call and leave messages from "BLACK TODD".

This sort of verbal shorthand as visual ID is not uncommon in my circle. We have Spanish Robert, New York John, Not Right Richard, Stinky Ed, Tall Jim and others.

A few weeks ago our friend Steve appeared at beer bust with the guy he'd been dating from New Jersey, another 'Todd'...and ALSO black. The new Black Todd is a personal trainer to high-powered execs/CEO's who chopper him in to Manhattan for in-office sessions (really).

As you might guess, trainer Black Todd has the type of body that looks like it came from the Circuit Party World Headquarters, (from the 'Compared To This - You Look Like A Mean Joke From God' division). And his ass! Freekin hell! His ass! His ass arrived at beer bust about 3 minutes after HE did, in a separate cab.

Naturally (we feel), the new Todd was named Black Ass Todd. To review: White Todd (never do we drop the White), Black Todd, and Black Ass Todd now crowd our All Todd world.


Sunday afternoon, Black Ass Todd was drinking beer with us. At one point, over the music, he heard my buddy Ray say:'Here..hand this beer to Black Ass Todd'. And BAT immediatelygot a bit agitated. 'What did you call me?'... 'I KNOW i just didn't hear you say that!'.

Joe to the rescue. I patiently reviewed with BAT the chain of events that lead to the naming of White Todd and Black Todd. And how he could see our problem when we very improbably gained ANOTHER Black Todd.

He said: 'So I gotta be Black Ass Todd because I'm darker skinned than Black Todd??? You think that's funny? If I hear that shit again, I will slap that racist name right outta your head!'

Everyone immediately began apologizing and stammering and nervously laughing.

I said, 'C'mon Todd!!!'. We're not saying 'Black Ass' the same way people say 'big ass truck' or 'ugly ass bitch'. Ass is NOT an adjective in Black Ass Todd. It's a noun.

'We call you Black Ass Todd...well, because ya got that damn big fine ASS, Todd!'.


Then: 'Do you think AOL would let me have 'BlackAssTodd' as a screen name?'.