Main | Monday, January 03, 2005

All right. FINE. Here. (Updated)

Faithful readers: I've been getting a steady stream of emails from you asking for various details about my life. While your interest is quite flattering, the common thread to these letters is that while my stories are enjoyable, I seem to be an observer in life, rather than a participant, and that you don't feel you "know" me. That's a pretty fair criticism, one that is more accurate than I normally feel comfortable in admitting. To counter that perception, I hereby succumb to the most tired and cliched of blogospheric memes.

1. I was born in a Marine Corp hospital in North Carolina.

2. My first car, my high school graduation present from my father, was a used Pontiac LeMans. I superglued a green shag carpet to the dashboard. The first night I took it to a gay bar, someone smashed the window and stole my 8-track player.

3. I was circumcised at age 6. I remember the operation vividly.

4. My final year in Little League, my team went 17-1. Guess who cost the team a perfect season?

5. The first 45rpm record I bought was "Kodachrome" by Paul Simon, in 1973.

6. I had white-blond hair until I was about 10 years old. I was a 'towhead'. I was frequently told that I looked like Opie Taylor from the Andy Griffith Show.

7. The first concert I attended was KC & The Sunshine Band, at Disney World. I ended up seeing them at least a dozen times over the next few years.

8. My first plane flight was at age 22. I flew from Orlando to Washington DC to see a guy I had met on spring break in Fort Lauderdale. I'm still friends with that guy.

9. I have never missed a flight.

10. I have never held a gun.

11. I have never held a baby.

12. I have never ridden a horse.

13. I have ridden a camel.

14. I have never gone scuba-diving.

15. I have never gone sky-diving.

16. I have gone muff-diving.

17. In 1989, at the Warsaw Ballroom in South Beach, I stepped on Madonna's foot. I was wearing steel-toed boots.

18. In high school I was the president of the German club and a member of the German Honor Society. I competed in statewide competitions for students of German. Today, my German vocabulary consists of less than 100 words.

19. The first time I attempted to speak Spanish to a stranger, I meant to say "I have a headache." What I actually said was "I have a pain in my purse."

20. My junior year in high school, I was nominated by President Gerald Ford to attend the U.S. Naval Academy at Annapolis. I did not attend.

21. I have never done drag. Not even for Halloween. And it bothers me that I have such self-image issues that I can't do something that truly silly, just for fun.

22. I haven't been in a fistfight since 8th grade, when school bully Ruben S. pushed me into a puddle during an assembly.

23. I fucked Ruben S. at an orgy in the mid '80s. He didn't remember me.

24. My car once got towed away from the Old Plantation, a gay disco in Tampa. At the tow-yard, I drunkenly called the tow-truck driver a 'cocksucker.' He punched me in the stomach.

25. In high school, my friends and I were obsessed with Monty Python. I spent much of my junior year shrieking in a mock-English female voice.

26. In 1990, my mother's Xmas gift to me was a Three Stooges video box set. A total of 12 episodes. And every one was a SHEMP. I looked at her and said, "You never loved me!"

27. Despite being completely gay, I have never watched an episode of "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer." And none of its spinoffs.

28. Despite being completely gay, I have never watched an episode of "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy."

29. Because I am completely gay, I have seen every episode of "The Simpsons." My favorite character is Ralph Wiggum.

30. During the "Wild Planet" tour, B-52's frontman Fred Schneider would hand out fake awards to audience members. At a show in Daytona Beach, I was given a trophy for "having survived the deadly bite of the coral snake!"

31. I have worked for a nightclub, a newspaper, a magazine, a theatre company, a television station, a radio station and a record company.

32. I am the eldest male in my family, and the family name ends HERE.

33. When commercial space flight becomes viable and affordable, I will be the first the sign up.

34. My dog, Edison, died in March 2004 at the age of 17. He was a mostly Corgi mixed-breed and I miss him everyday.

35. My first pet was an orange cat that I named Applesauce. Only I was too young to actually pronounce "Applesauce", so according to my mother, I called him "Bahbey-slops".

36. I like to give my friends nicknames. Usually they don't like this at first, but eventually they start signing their emails with my name for them.

37. In 1998, I fell down on Market Street in San Francisco and broke my hand and arm in six places. From what I could tell, I had tripped on a big pile of air that someone had carelessly left lying around.

38. While living in Florida, I ran over a racoon, an opossum, and a small alligator.

39. Sometimes I think I would rather run over a child than a dog.

40. I maybe be somewhat short, 5'8", but I've learned that in Central America I tower over the locals. TOWER, I tell you!

41. In 10th grade biology when my turn came to read aloud from our textbook, I mispronounced 'vagina' as 'vah-GEE-na'. The class roared and to this date, my embarrassment is so great that I try to never think about vaginas at all. Damn it! I just wrote 'vagina' two times. Fuck! I did it again!

42. If I am home, the tv is on. It feels like company.

43. Coffee smells like old people.

44. At the age of 9, I was turtle-hunting with a friend in a large field cluttered with derelict farming equipment. My friend held up one end of a large sheet of rusty metal while I kicked the grass underneath it for turtles. As I backed out from under the metal, my friend let it go too soon and the corner of it ripped down my leg. I got over 100 stitches. I've been told the scar is "sexy".

45. Star Jones is a complete cow.

46. I tend to dislike celebrities more often than I like them.

47. I tend to meet celebrities in elevators.

48. My favorite baseball team is the San Francisco Giants. The last entry in my 6th grade journal says: "Tomorrow Dad finds out where he is being assigned. Please God, let it be San Francisco because I LOVE WILLIE MAYS!"

49. I saw Willie Mays play once. He struck out three times.

50. Today, my heroes are Larry Kramer, Harvey Feirstein and Jimmy Carter.

I'll add to this list as more items occur to me. This is just a start, be afraid.

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