Cooking Tips, with Mike and Joe
Mike: So, what is up with guys that want to throw up on you? I so don't get that.
Joe (looking up from work, startled): What?
Mike: I was just reading online about guys who are into vomiting on each other.
Joe: Oh. Right. I've heard of that. Yuck. Almost makes you wanna reconsider scat.
Mike (shaking head): There's some weird fuckers out there.
Joe: No kidding. What about those guys with cannibilism fetishes?
Mike: You're joking.
Joe: No, for real. They have webrings and internet discussion groups and they chat about how hot it would be kill and eat someone.
Mike: Like Jeffrey Dahmer?
Joe: Even worse. There's guys who have fantasies about BEING eaten. Like this one dude in Germany who hooked up with some guy online and then met him and the dude cut the guy's cock off and they both ate it, and then the guy whose dick was cut off, died.
Mike: Fuck you, that never happened.
Joe: No, for real, it did! And they videotaped the whole thing and now the German courts didn't know how to charge the guy because the thing was obviously consensual cuz they have the dude on tape eating his own dick.
Mike: And they ate his cock while the guy was bleeding and all?
Joe: Yeah, I guess. They sauteed it.
Mike (frowning): Hmmm, I would have deep fried it. You know, to make sure it was cooked.
Joe (laughing): Right. Wonder what Julia Child would have done?
(Together, sadly): Poor Julia.
Mike: Don't you kinda wonder though, what it tastes like?
Mike: Hmm, I dunno. I bet it's pretty gamey.
Joe: What, like they say venison is gamey?
Mike: Yeah, it has to do with how much of a muscle to fat ratio there is.
Joe: Oh, so like chickens and cows aren't very muscular compared to a deer, so they taste better.
Joe: You could ask that soccer team that crashed in the mountains. I think in the movie they ate butts.
Mike: So if you're gonna eat people, you don't want an athlete or anything.
Joe: Oh, for sure. And especially not an Olympian or anything.
Mike: Right. Can you imagine trying to dig into one of those stringy marathon runners?
Joe: You'd need a heavy sauce.
Mike: How about a sumo wrestler, though?
Joe: Ah, now THAT's good eatin!