Main | Thursday, February 24, 2005

And The Winner Is.....Nobody

Hello, my name is Joe and I hate movies.

Whew. That was hard to say. I mean, c'mon on. A gay man admitting that he's not a huge movie fan? That's like a saggy-pants white kid at the mall admitting that he really doesn't, in fact, like rap.

It just isn't done.

I don't even own any movies, save a copy of "Moulin Rouge", which remains unwatched, in the drawer with the other crappy Xmas gifts of that year. And even though I've got at least 50 movie channels at home, I'd prefer to watch several at once, which is maddening to my guests.

And now the High Holy Day of gay fabulousity is upon us, the Oscars. All over the world, queens are flitting to the home stores and shitting themselves with worry that THEIR Oscars party will be outshone by some other catty bitch.

Actually, I enjoy the parties tremendously. The food, the booze, the bitchy banter. I just never have much to offer personally, in the way of opinions or predictions.

This year I have not seen ONE of the nominated films. Not one. Sorry, Don Cheadle. Sorry, Jamie Foxx. Sorry, Catalina Sandino Moreno Oh My.

Aviator? Feh.
Ray? Feh.
Kinsey? Feh.

Why don't they make a movie about someone ALIVE?

I suppose I lost my love for movies somewhere in the middle of my seven-year stint as a general manager for AMC Theatres. It was about the time I was running a seven screen art house in South Miami that I threatened to fly to France and punch Gerard Depardieu in his fat French nose if my film booker slated me with one more of his boring ass movies.

Even if you have 20 screens to run, the sameness of all the movies begins to really grate on your nerves. House 1, House 4, House 14: teen slasher movie. House 3, House 9, House 18: romantic comedy.


After seeing the same movie, over and over and over again, just with different actors and slightly different titles, I began to compile a list of movie genres that I will never see again.

1. Movies featuring mythical creatures or objects.

No elves, dragons, trolls, warlocks, unicorns, talking teapots or magic amulets, PLEASE.

Examples: Lord Of The Rings, Legend, Dragonslayer.

Exceptions: Movies about vampires or Satan (because they're sexy), and movies about aliens (because they might NOT be mythical!)

2. Movies about the Holocaust.

Yes, yes...I get it. Nazis=bad. I'm not about to pay someone $10.25 to make me feel crummy for three hours.

Examples: Schindler's List, Europa Europa, The Grey Zone.

Exceptions: none.

3. Movies featuring American/English actors using foreign accents.

Oh fucking hell, are these painful.

Example: Captain Corelli's Mandolin. It doesn't get much worse.

Exceptions: Peter Sellers movies, cuz he's like, MOCKING those accents.

"Hang on, Joe," I hear you all saying. "What about the brilliant Meryl Streep? What about SOPHIE'S CHOICE???"

And I say, "Hello? Asshat? Didn't you JUST read #2?"

4. Movies featuring body switching.

"Oh my god, I'm YOU!"..."Oh my god! You're ME!"

Examples: Freaky Friday, Vice Versa, The Hot Chick

Exception: The original Freaky Friday, cuz lil Jodie Foster was so darn cute.

5. Movies featuring talking animals and/or animals dressed as humans.

One long bad joke. "Did he just talk? He DID just talk! Wow, a talking pelican!"

Examples: Dr. Doolittle, Hot To Trot, Stuart Little

Exceptions: Movies where the animals ONLY talk to each other: Babe, Milo & Otis.

6.Movies known as "buddy pics".

A young maverick cop who breaks all the rules is partnered with a grizzled, jaded veteran. Together they withstand the verbal bashing of their boot-camp styled superior, and grudgingly earn each other's respect, while saving each other's lives along the way.

Examples: Lethal Weapon, 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop and many many more.

Exceptions: none.

7. Movies directed by child molesters.

Woody Allen has put out the same movie the last 10 times. Beside being bored with that, I'm disgusted with his personal life and have decided to boycott ALL pederast-helmed flicks.

Examples: Tess, Manhattan, Frantic

Exceptions: Rosemary's Baby (see exceptions to #1)

Again, you dissent, "But Joe! What about Roman Polanski's Oscar winning "The Pianist?"

"Hello? Asshat? Didn't I JUST make you read #2 again?"

8. Movies about overcoming physical adversity.

Enter character. Witness his unfortunate problem. See his parents tortured by guilt. See him struggle with self-esteem and self-doubt. See him find peace with himself. Music swells, fade to black.

Examples: My Left Foot, Lorenzo's Oil, Children Of A Lesser God

Exceptions: The Miracle Worker, because you get the Helen Keller jokes.

9. Movies with misspelled titles.

Aren't kids stupid enough already?

Examples: Mo' Money, Mo' Betta Blues, He Hate Me

Exceptions: I don't mind movies with that use common slang, like the words "askin'" or "goin'". The "mo" thing really bugs me. If you don't like that, too bad, you suck anyway.

10. Movies using the "fish out of water" plot device.

Take main character. Place him in an alien social environment and watch hilarity ensue as he embarrases himself, yet wins the grudging respect of those in his new world. The same joke over and over, movie after movie.

Examples: Pretty Woman, Bringing Down The House, Legally Blond.

Exceptions: none.

Still here?

There are lots of other movies that didn't make my Hate Top 10, because they haven't pissed me off lately: musicals, costume dramas, martial arts, slasher pics, concert pics, among others.

And there ARE movies out there that I do like: spy thrillers, westerns, anything set under the sea or in outer space, John Waters films or anything that skewers pop culture, and anything featuring zombies, or the potential of zombies.

Anyway, if you're sitting next to me on Sunday night, don't listen to my opinions about who should win.

And keep the remote away from me.

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